Grieving the Death of a Pet

One of the most painful experiences in life is the death of a loved one—a parent, spouse, sibling, or child. What is often under-appreciated is the pain that can come with the death of a loved pet. Unfortunately, people may feel embarrassed and even undeserving in grieving the death of their animal companion. Often, they think that while grieving the loss of a person is reasonable and expected, grieving for “just an animal” must seem childish and silly. This is a form of disenfranchised grief, that is, a kind of grief not fully recognized and honored by society. However, people form deep and meaningful relationships with their pets, and their loss can be as painful as the loss of an important person. Grieving their loss is entirely real and appropriate. This is essential for providers of mental health, primary care, and veterinary care to understand.

The depth of grief that can be felt for an animal is largely due to the fact that people come to see their pets as members of the family. They see them as acting with human-like emotions and behaviors, and even as understanding their owner’s emotions. The experience of the pet seeming more than “just an animal” is demonstrated by studies showing changes in body chemistry when humans and their pets interact. In both owners and their pets, levels of the chemicals of reward, dopamine and beta-endorphin, and the so-called “love hormone,” oxytocin, increase.  Such neurochemical changes suggest that people and their pets form attachments in ways similar to how human spouses, and parents and their children form attachments with each other. In a functional MRI study, similar patterns of brain activity were seen in women when viewing photos of their children and photos of their dogs. These patterns did not appear when they viewed other people’s dogs and children. When dogs sniff the scent of their owner, rewards centers in their brains light up stronger than when sniffing the scent of strangers or even the scents of dogs that live with them in their household. Conversely, another MRI study showed evidence of jealousy when dogs watched their owners pet other dogs. A 2018 survey by the American Pet Products Association even found that 78% of dog owners and 67% of cat owners present their pets with gifts for Christmas, Chanukah, or the animal’s birthday. These levels of mutual attachment, both psychological and biological, that develop between people and their pets help explain the depth of grief that can be experienced when the pet dies.

There are many factors involved in how a person feels about their pet and how they might grieve their death. However, the type of animal does not appear to matter.  While many see dogs as being more people-pleasing and demonstratively affectionate towards their owners, studies have shown that people love and grieve for cats and dogs to the same degree. City people tend to have little understanding or appreciation of the bond that can develop between an owner and their horse. Training the horse, riding on its back, and feeling it respond to often very subtle movements or changes in position, can make the owner feel almost as if they and their horse become one. As Shakespeare wrote, “When I bestride him, I soar, I am a hawk. He trots the air, the earth sings when he touches it.” Although horses should generally not be ridden after 20 or so years of age, they can live 30 or more years. That is a long time for bonding between a horse and its owner, and when a horse dies, its owner grieves deeply.  When TV cowboy Roy Roger’s horse, Trigger, died at age 33, Rogers said he could not bear having him “planted in the ground”, and instead had him preserved by a taxidermist. Other famous horses so preserved were Napolean’s steed, Le Vizir; Comanche, the gelded mustang known by legend as the sole survivor of the Battle of Little Big Horn; and the much-loved Depression era race horse, Phar Lap. Parrots are delightful pets. They are intelligent, affectionate, and thrive on human attention. The fact that many can be trained to talk makes them only the more endearing. Some breeds can live as long as 70 years, and thus they may become life-long companions. The 1st Century Roman poet, Statius, wrote achingly lovely verses about the death of his favorite parrot.

What a fine cage you owned, with a bright red cupola,

With those sides barred with silver wedded to ivory,

Its gates and perches sounding to your beak’s clatter,

Now, making their own sad creak. Empty that happy

Prison, your narrow dwelling’s clamour is no more.

Can there be similar attachments to a rabbit, ferret, lizard, or fish? Can their loss bring grief? If the owner believes so, then yes. There is no call to doubt or belittle the sentiment.    

The circumstances of a pet’s death can make a difference in how grief is experienced. Of course, the longer and stronger the bond with the animal, the more profound the grief. This is certainly the case with individuals who have long depended upon their pet as their main source of comfort and companionship. Beyond that, unexpected or traumatic deaths are the most difficult to cope with. Having a pet euthanized to end their suffering can add a sense of having done something to help them, and thus lessen some emotional burden. Euthanizing can be the kindest, most loving course of action. However, subsequent guilt and doubt about having done the right thing can erode any solace to be gained from that decision. Thus, it is critical to have an in-depth discussion with the veterinarian about the animal’s quality of life that would be expected with each possible course of action. The depth and persistence of grief is also affected by the degree of social support and acceptance one receives. The more support a person gets during the grieving process, the easier it is to progress through it. Still, many months of grieving is not unusual. The fear of ridicule or lack of understanding by others can make some people reluctant to express their grief for a pet, which in turn prolongs grief and makes it more difficult to resolve. Sadly, in dampening one’s feelings of grief for appearance’s sake, there is an extra burden of feeling guilt toward the lost animal that is not being given its proper due. Such are the unique conflicts and agonies of disenfranchised grief.

Psychotherapy can be helpful in dealing with the death of a pet.  The most important thing for a therapist—or primary care provider, friend, or family member—is to not judge or diminish the significance of the loss. Rather, they should encourage the person to talk about their relationship and history with animal, and to uncritically allow the person to express all of their thoughts and feelings for as long as they need to. The pain is real and deserving of love and care.

(Oh, Lily . . . you sweet dog. I still miss you.)