They who know domestic abuse know human folly

A number of years ago, there was an incident in which the NFL star Ray Rice punched his then fiancé, Janay Palmer, in the face in an elevator. A camera caught every ugly detail, and the video display was later spread across all the media outlets.  His attack was vicious and inexplicable. However, equally puzzling was the fact that the woman Rice knocked unconscious not only stayed with him but later married him.  These behaviors lead us to ask, “What is wrong with people?” and “Why do men and women  do such irrational, hurtful, self-destructive things?”

Domestic abuse is common. In a U.S. government National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, it was found that roughly 30 percent of American women had been slapped, pushed or shoved by an intimate partner at some point in her lifetime. In the same study, nearly 26 percent of men reported themselves to have been victims of the same level of violence. In a similar study titled, “Physical and Emotional Partner Abuse Reported by Men and Women in a Rural Community” it was reported that even in bucolic, rural mid-America, roughly 3 percent of women and 5 percent of men reported an incident of severe physical violence directed against them by their spouse in the 12 months prior to the study. Nearly 47 percent of women and 30 percent of men reported having suffered severe emotional abuse perpetrated by their partner over that period of time.

Why do we humans, both men and women, so regularly inflict abuse upon our partners? Indeed, the numbers suggest that the behavior is almost “statistically” normal. The wry response might be, “Why abuse a perfect stranger?” Indeed, it is those closest to us that rouse in us the strongest emotions. Moreover, as the ones being around us the most often, they are the ones most likely to be around us when we erupt in anger and aggression. However, I believe the obvious answer is that we physically and emotionally injure domestic partners in the attempt to control and keep the person that we need more than we love.

The more curious question remains, “Why do we put up with the abuse of partners who are supposed to love us?” The analogous answer must be, “We stay and tolerate abuse because we need the abuser more than we love ourselves.” Certainly, in some cases there are deep and dark psychological processes at work. In Sylvia Plath’s poem, Daddy, she famously wrote, “Every woman adores a Fascist, The boot in the face.” In the context of her describing a cold, cruel, domineering father, her words suggest that without having had a kind and loving father, some women prefer abuse to nothingness. Much to the relief of thoughtful readers, the poem ends, “Daddy, you bastard, I’m through.” The fact that Plath later committed suicide does not diminish the triumph of that declaration.

In many cases women, especially women with young children, have nowhere to go to escape the abuse and no way to get there.  In some cases, their male partners have purposefully deprived them of the financial resources and social support they would need to gain independence. They have no choice but to stay. I have also seen a few men in this position. For this reason, our communities must invest in Battered Person Shelters that can offer refuge and resources for people needing to extricate themselves from abusive relationships. However, in my experience as a psychiatrist working with people in painful marriages and relationships, I sadly conclude that not everyone would take advantage of this service even if it was available. The inner conflicts they experience in believing they love their abuser are too paralyzing in nature.

Dr. William Osler, often referred to as the Father of Modern Medicine, once said, “He who knows syphilis knows medicine.” What he meant by that peculiar statement was that the complexity of syphilis was so profound, its presentations so varied, and the likelihood of mistaking it for something else so great, that the ability to correctly recognize and deal with the illness entailed knowing all of the complexities and subtleties of human pathology. We can make a similar grand statement about the tragedy of domestic abuse. The dispensing and accepting of abuse is often written off as “love.” “I hit her because I love her so much.” “I stay with him because I love him so much.” While each explanation may have a kernel of truth, both fall far short of satisfying any intelligent person puzzled by this behavior. But perhaps there is no good explanation, just as there is no good explanation for why humans are so eager to march off to war; why we so often kill in the name of God; why we smoke when we know it is bad for us; why so many of us live lives of quiet desperation; and why we hold fast to superstitions in the face of scientific facts. As with Osler and syphilis, if we could understand the complexities of domestic abuse, how and why men hurt women and women hurt men, why we hurt the ones we love, and why we cling to the ones that hurt us, perhaps we would understand the entirety of the human condition and our follies.